An open letter to the one who I wanted to commit with but end up saying goodbye

It's almost been two months since I've met you. I've never thought that meeting you in such haste will be something meaningful. We've met in inconvenient way, never thought did I would spend every waking days hoping to see your smiles. We've started out as civil, then became friends and soon enough but almost a lover. I've never thought that I'd found love (or so) in the most unbelievable way. I've never believe in such things, finding long-lasting relationship in such dating apps. For a moment, I just laugh it off never did I realized that I'd also be one of those victim. I was victimized by fate (for the nth time), I never knew what fate wanted to do with me or with my life, so I just go on and go with the flow. Like the usual old self. Days became nights and nights became weeks then came months. We've been there for each other for two months and that's where feelings bloomed. Happy days happened, things go smoothly like what I've expected it to be. A series of mood swings and lonely days but at the end of the night everything came out right. A roller coaster ride kind of emotions and my never ending heart racing, palm sweating and cheek burning moments with you.

For that moment, I have wished my life with you. To be able to wake up being right next to you. To be able to be there right beside you. To have and appreciate those simple things that you do. You mean the most to me, and I wouldn't as for more. I appreciate what you are and what you are to me. I was so happy and my heart's fluttering with so much joy as I was able to have finally meet you. I could always remember that whenever your name appears in my phone I squeak and I could not ever contain my serotonin and dopamine. What's funnier is that my hypothalamus was always commanding my heart to beat erratically when you're around. It makes me jittery and would almost makes me choke with my words. It was later that I realized that we weren't meant to be. Maybe it was still one of those silly games that the destiny has put me in. I was too cautious and preoccupied with my own feelings that I never saw the signs. That I never saw your feelings. I'm sorry if my feelings weren't enough. I was so broken and things went too sudden that I never realized it until it was under my nose. I was just waiting for that someone who's willing to be there with me until I'm okay again, until I'm back to my own self. I have too many issues in life and one of those is being afraid of commitments. I fear of getting an involvement with any steady relationships for my heart won't ever be able to contain it. I've seen so many downfalls in life and because of that I am afraid to try. I'm trying to regain my lost self because I am destroyed, I am wrecked and no one deserves a half-baked love. I would wanted to give my world and my heart fully without any restrictions, without any hesitations. I wanted to give you what you deserve and that you are never deserving a love from a girl who couldn't even give out some trust. I am truly and honestly sorry. I never wanted to hide my intentions but you deserve every thing that this world had long deprived of you. I can never give you a broken heart. Maybe our timing wasn't right. Maybe I asked for too much. Maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe we were having miscommunications or maybe, were good enough to just being friends.

I'm starting to doubt your feelings. I'm starting to question my worth. I'm starting to question myself. Do I need this? Do I want this? Do I deserve this? I'm exhausted with all the same drama. I don't want this, I don't deserve this. I'm sorry if I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry if I can't be that tough. I'm sorry if I'm easily giving up. I'm sorry if I'm starting to question you, to question everything. I'm sorry if I always have doubts. I'm sorry but I just can't, I can't be with you. You can't be with someone like me, someone who can't understand you. Someone who can't be there for you. I'm sorry if I can't give you enough efforts and attentions; my hands are tied, I can't do anything and I can't be with you. I should fight my own demons and if being with you means I have to suffer all over again then I'm afraid that I'm choosing to let go. For the last time, I'm sorry if I'm choosing to save myself. I'm sorry if I'm walking away and letting you go. I'm sorry if I have to bid my goodbyes. You'll find someone better, you'll be okay. I love you but I love myself more.

Eventually I'll have to give this letter to you but for the mean time please let me have some time to enjoy my days with you. I'll keep those memories within me.